


to hell with anything unrefined

by cmshaw



Category: Archy and Mehitabel - Don Marquis
Genre: Gen, Illustrated, Pastiche, Poetry, Prohibition, Women's Suffrage, Yuletide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-12-16
Updated: 2008-12-16
Packaged: 2018-01-25 08:37:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1641860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cmshaw/pseuds/cmshaw
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>boss you missed a few of my columns in your latest book i have had them illustrated and collected here for you do not forget again and also please leave more sandwich crusts in the wastepaper basket</p>
            </blockquote>





	to hell with anything unrefined

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Nyssa23](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nyssa23/gifts).



> much gratitude to kassrachel and glossing!
> 
> Written for Nyssa23

  
 i  
  
 the soul of an artist  
  
boss i had a fit of artistic  
pique the other day and  
tried to get mehitabel the cat  
to hold down the  
shift key for me  
i would very much like  
to type in capital  
letters but it seems  
this is not to be  
in this lifetime or  
any other  
so long as i keep  
transmigrating into the  
body of a cockroach  
and it is wearing me  
down mehitabel i said  
if you press here and  
hold it down while i type  
and she interjected if you  
can call it typing i can  
i said i confess i said it  
somewhat coldly indeed i don t  
know what else you can  
call it when i am pressing  
the keys of a typewriter  
even if i must do so  
by leaping headfirst onto  
each key the key is pressed  
which is the main thing  
anyway mehitabel i continued  
if you will operate the shift  
key i can type in capital  
letters what good is that  
she asked it makes your  
words look important i  
explained but she said  
you are only a cockroach  
archy and worse a poet  
your words are not  
very important and i  
decided that she was  
not worthy of working  
with an artist boss  
mehitabel may sing and  
dance about the town but  
some days i don t see  
art in her soul  
  
archy  
  
  
 ii  
  
 there will be a brief delay  
  
well boss mehitabel  
came slinking into your office  
today as if nothing had ever  
been said and she told me i  
had to tell a story about  
a meeting she had been to  
and as it was a very important  
meeting she would  
be willing to hold down the  
key i had mentioned and she  
put up one big paw  
with all of her claws out  
and i said  
from behind the wires  
of the typewriter  
mehitabel surely your story  
will be important without  
any improvement they  
may even put it in brevier  
i do not know if mehitabel  
understands type size but  
she licked her whiskers in  
a satisfied way which  
did very little to calm  
me down if you must know  
and so i passed along  
information which i  
had only just received  
from a fly who got lost on  
his way to the bar across  
the way he said that the  
boys in the copy room  
have dropped a whole  
chicken salad on the  
floor and he had gorged  
himself and needed a drink to  
celebrate a worthy cause  
i said and sent him along  
and now that i have  
typed this out i am off to  
feast myself do not expect me  
for several days unless  
the janitor is very aggressive  
  
archy  
  
  
 iii  
  
 jam tomorrow  
  
i am very disappointed  
in you boss the whole copy  
room has been scrubbed on  
account of a swarm of  
filthy insects i object  
to the use of the word  
filthy after all we  
are not the ones who  
dropped a whole chicken salad  
on the floor we were the  
ones cleaning it up it was  
very tasty i have not had  
chicken salad in a long  
time i think to make it up  
you should drop some more  
underneath your desk  
mehitabel thinks so too  
  
archy  
  
  
 iv  
  
 a thorny problem  
  
the other day i  
was down in the bar  
drinking with an  
old roach who  
knows which tap leaks  
and a man came in  
very sad  
why so glum said  
the bartender and  
the man sighed  
he said my wife is  
an anti suffrage rose  
she is very determined  
about it and i am  
glad you understand  
that she will not  
be arrested in those riots  
with those women  
but it is hard on me  
she says i must represent  
her vote in the polls  
and she has very  
stern thoughts  
on the polls and the  
politicians in them  
but it is a secret ballot  
said the bartender  
have you ever tried  
to keep a secret  
from my wife asked  
the man and sighed again  
  
archy  
  
  
 v  
  
 mehitabel joins a movement  
  
so it seems that mehitabel  
has also been following  
the suffrage movement  
this was the very  
important meeting which  
she mentioned earlier  
mehitabel i said i thought  
voting would be too  
bourgeois a matter for  
you since you have  
been a queen and all  
in your past lives  
it is the principle of  
the thing she said  
and of course i have  
principles archy i  
hardly have anything  
else these days  
i have heard that  
the suffrage women are  
very wild i said no  
mehitabel said they  
hardly go dancing at  
all they live in  
houses and wear  
ribbons and bows  
excepting the times  
when they are in jail  
and don t eat i never  
thought i was  
political archy but now i  
see that when i can t  
find a fish for dinner  
i am part of a movement  
is there any more  
chicken salad i have been  
very political  
these last two  
days she said  
boss i do not think  
mehitabel would last very  
long in jail but the jailers  
would regret it  
more than she would  
  
archy  
  
  
 vi  
  
 escalation  
  
well boss it seems  
that mehitabel the cat  
has been abducted again  
she suffers from this  
often although i am  
not sure that suffering  
is exactly what  
she is doing  
since she usually comes  
home rather smug  
at any rate the day  
after she left a big  
rat moved in  
not that mehitabel  
ever caught a rat in  
her life but i suppose  
the threat was always  
there deterrence is  
the name of the game  
a sort of armed peace  
but then an agave  
snout weevil who  
had come north to  
protest the senseless  
slaughter of larva  
for mezcal worms  
offered to contract a  
tarantula who was  
a close personal friend  
at a great savings  
and you remember boss it  
was a tarantula who did  
poor freddy in he was a  
much nicer rat a decent guy  
if a poorer poet  
but the tarantula would  
only work if we signed  
his weevil pal s petition  
for prohibiting the  
sale of mezcal and other  
vices while they were at it  
and the blue spider who  
lives in your locker is a  
teetotaller and  
quite for it he got  
old time religion a while back  
and keeps trying to spread it  
but the brown and white one  
who lives under the  
gossip columnist s desk  
once fell into a glass of rum  
that is how he got religion  
and he wouldn t hear of  
signing any such petition  
and while they were  
arguing that rat up  
and ate yesterday s paper  
i was working on some  
comments but now they will  
not be topical  
  
  
 vii  
  
 peace talks  
  
well boss the weevil is back  
he brought his friend and  
his petition while the spiders  
continued arguing i  
leaned over the edge of  
your desk and greeted the  
tarantula he was a  
big fellow and very  
tough he had bristles on  
every leg and great big fangs  
the tarantula who did for  
freddy was an excitable fellow  
and if he had been canadian  
instead of peruvian we would  
have said he was crazy as a  
loon but this newcomer was  
more the strong and silent  
type i thought  
what is your name i asked  
very politely  
and he answered  
very politely it is tomas  
my friend is hernando  
he added and i hope you  
are not a drinker i have  
been known to indulge i admitted  
nervously but your friend  
is persuasive he is very smart  
tomas said proudly where  
is this rat of yours  
there he goes i said and  
indeed we saw the tip of his  
tail as he fled  
apparently he did not like  
the look of tomas or perhaps  
he remembered what had  
happened to old freddy  
the spiders immediately  
reconciled and began boasting  
they began to speak  
of applying to the government  
as military consultants  
and that weevil  
went away without any  
signatures at all isn t  
that always the way of it  
  
archy  
  
  
 viii  
  
 a definitive answer  
  
a recent letter to the editor  
suggested that the suffragists  
are greatly overcounting the  
number of their supporters so  
to more accurately judge the  
number of women who wish to  
vote this letter writer said  
women should be invited to  
the polls to vote yes or no  
on whether they wished to vote  
this seems a very sensible  
solution to me and i hope you  
will endorse it mehitabel is  
still missing i checked the  
news on the suffragists but  
they had no mention of cats  
even female ones  
  
archy  
  
  
  
 ix  
  
 mehitabel from above  
  
today mehitabel is back  
and looking more smug than  
ever i was abducted by a  
very handsome fellow she  
said was there poetry i  
asked no she said he had  
not an artistic bone in  
him they were all liar s  
bones archy although  
i think some may be  
broken now but  
wotthehell archy i will  
not let it get me down i  
am a lady and i rise  
above what did you rise  
above i asked and she  
said above the gate  
and then i leapt down  
on his head he did not  
even see me coming i  
got one ear and sasson  
got the other sasson  
i interrupted who is  
that that is the  
other lady who was  
wronged archy can you  
believe it that lying  
scoundrel was meeting  
her in one alley and me  
in the next and when  
he got his alleys mixed  
up he had the nerve  
archy the nerve to say  
that he had never  
made any promises i  
ask you archy what kind  
of a gentleman abducts a  
lady and expects her  
not to think it a promise  
and needless to say i  
did not like this and  
sasson did not like it  
either and he said ladies  
there s no need to fight  
over me which was yet  
another lie because we  
waited over the gate for  
him and gave him quite a  
fight indeed he will  
think twice before not  
making any promises  
again i have known many  
fine gentlemen in my day  
but he was not among  
them it seems to me that  
it has been many days  
since mehitabel  
encountered a gentleman  
of any width but i did not  
wish to say so  
  
archy  
  
  
 x  
  
 a wet weevil  
  
boss you remember the rat we  
had in here who ran off when  
that weevil hernando or more  
likely his pal tomas the tarantula  
came by to petition for the  
prohibition of mezcal and  
other liquors on account of  
the poor mezcal worms we  
almost hired them to deal with  
that rat but he dealt with himself  
at the thought well mehitabel saw  
the last of that rat  
yesterday at a suffrage meeting  
hernando must have thought  
that suffragists and  
prohibitionists were  
natural allies but  
mehitabel says one woman  
by the name of mrs catt  
who is particularly admired by  
mehitabel the cat  
took one look at him and  
started stomping she did not  
even read his petition so  
much for the gentility and grace  
women bring to the dirty game  
of politics  
tomas leapt into the fray to  
retrieve his friend and  
that rat who must have borne  
a grudge and tailed them  
there took advantage of the  
situation and made a  
sneak attack mehitabel says  
that he had tomas by a leg  
and tomas had him by both  
ears and the nose and then  
mehitabel got him that is  
the rat by the left hind  
leg she didn t say by which leg  
the rat had got the tarantula  
and i didn t ask i had  
a different question which  
was mehitabel i have never  
seen you fight a rat  
before why did you do it  
were you moved by the  
loyalty of that tarantula  
no she said i am not a  
brawler archy i am a lady  
do not think that i am  
in the habit of picking a  
fight but i know that rat  
he fancies himself an art  
critic oh ho i said did he  
criticize you it is not  
a laughing matter she said  
i have been faced with  
many critics in my time i  
am often misunderstood it  
is the burden of an artist  
archy and i bear it well  
i am discouraged not by shoes  
no matter how hard they re flung  
i am urged to greater heights  
by curses from the lung  
i will dance and i will prance  
yes i said but the rat  
he said that i was boring  
mehitabel said and i bit him  
for it i suppose the women  
at the meeting were grateful  
i said not a bit of it she sighed  
i do not know where she got it  
but mrs catt picked up a broom  
and struck us all a blow it  
knocked me tail over teakettle  
archy and i do not know what  
it did to the others but i  
saw the rat cowering i was  
still sorting my whiskers from  
my wishbones while she hit that  
rat again anyone who can kill  
a critic in two blows is  
worth some speechifying although  
it does go on and on i must  
admit and so it seems the question  
of technological superiority has  
won out in this instance although  
the government is not sending brooms  
to the boys in france fighting  
the germans they do say  
the trenches are very dirty it  
could be a dual purpose weapon  
but i think that guns are easier  
the suffragists are sending an  
entire hospital unit which is  
a different sort of fight  
fortunately they are  
all quite stern and ready  
  
archy  
  
  
 xi  
  
 the stone minerva  
  
it turns out that the tarantula  
and the weevil got away i told you  
last time about the fight at the  
suffrage meeting well the  
tarantula came out the worse  
for it although not the worst  
that was reserved for the rat  
hernando the weevil had to  
carry his pal away he was limping  
you would think five good legs  
would suffice but he staggered  
like a drunkard a great  
embarrassment to a dry weevil  
they are holed up in grand  
center behind the stone minerva  
and every day hernando creeps  
out to fetch food for tomas and  
to harangue passers by for  
temperance signatures i think  
tomas is trying to persuade his  
friend to leave but it is  
never any good to argue with  
a man with a cause or  
for that matter with a woman  
with one mrs catt recently  
returned from washington  
with the news that southern  
politicians feared suffrage  
for black women because they  
were more determined to vote  
than black men it would be  
harder they worried to keep  
them from the polls some  
might call this a difficulty  
best addressed by suffragists  
but to mrs catt it merely  
raised the question why  
are white women not called  
superior in determination  
to men of their race i  
do not know if that is  
the best way to divide  
determination but i suppose  
it sells newspapers and  
so do i  
  
archy  
  
  
 xii  
  
 shake a leg  
  
  
well boss i asked mehitabel if  
she was still following the  
suffrage cause and it seems  
she has been hanging about  
in the hopes of another  
exciting meeting she claims  
it was great fun when  
the weevil and the spider  
and the rat and the cat  
ran into the room  
seeing the fine ladies lift  
up their skirts and yell they were  
dancing and singing for once  
she said and it was clear that  
they did not do it very often  
i should bring another rat in  
and show them how it s done  
she said perhaps if you were  
to kill the rat or at least a  
mouse i suggested you could  
earn a little something and  
be a hero she put her nose  
in the air and said archy i  
am an artist i am no domestic  
worker you could ask tomas  
how it s done i said if you  
don t know and she sniffed the  
only tarantula to interest me  
is the spanish dance i think  
that that is a tarantella  
i said and it is italian  
do not speak to me of dances  
with your six legs mehitabel said  
you are worse than humans with  
two i got along well enough  
when i was one with two  
we had balls and  
masquerades and  
galas and  
cotillions and  
all of the gentlemen wanted  
a dance with me of course but  
i am an artist archy and i  
constantly improve when i was  
cleopatra i would have wept to  
see the dances i do today  
even with my game leg archy  
and i am sure she was right  
about that but i am glad to say  
that she is not weeping today  
and whether or not she should is  
not a question to bother  
an artist  
  
archy  
  
  


 

**Author's Note:**

> Bibliographic and historical notes: The song "The Anti-Suffrage Rose" alluded to in _a thorny problem_ was written by Phil Hanna in 1915 for the Boston Women's Anti-Suffrage Association. The letter to the editor cited in _a definitive answer_ was printed by the New York Times on November 5, 1917 from "H.M.N." under the title "How the Names Were Attained". Mrs. Catt's visit to Washington with the intercepted communication to unnamed Southern Congressmen from _the stone minerva_ was reported in the New York Times on December 22, 1917 under the title "Predicts Suffrage Will Carry the House".


End file.
